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What's Your Story?

2008-11-11T17:49:00.000-08:00

We all have a story to tell...including our equine friends. It's important to share our stories, both good and bad, to grow and move forward...and it just so happens that horses make great listeners!

Here is a picture medley I created just for fun. Hope you enjoy!

What is Emotional Congruence?

2008-11-11T08:00:00.000-08:00

An emotionally congruent person is someone who is mentally aware of the emotions they are feeling at the moment they are feeling them. They are then able to use their mental reasoning when an emotional event happens. This is extremely important to have healthy relationships.

We all know someone, or even whole families, that practice emotional incongruence. This may even be you. In fact, many people live their entire lives this way. The incongruence becomes a problem when the person overreacts emotionally instead of using reasoning. We often refer to this person as "dramatic" or "emotional." Sometimes we just call them "liars." An example of this is when someone hears bad news and causes property damage to cope such as when a teen male punches a hole in the wall. This person usually feels and appears out of control to those of us who are emotionally congruent. Overall, relationships usually become strained when dealing with an emotionally incongruent person.

What does this have to do with horses? Well, horses know whether or not we are emotionally congruent...and they dislike it when we are not. Yes, they actually react to Our incongruence. They feel that if we can't control our emotions, then we can't be trusted...and horses don't want to be around anyone who can not be trusted.

In EAP, the horse/human relationship helps the human restrain their over reactivity when emotionally charged. The human then translates those healthier skills to other human relationships in their lives. It becomes a win-win situation. The horse feels better about trusting us...and the human feels better about their ability to control themselves and have healthy relationships.

Three tips for parents:

2008-09-28T10:14:00.000-07:00

Tell children, as well as adults, what they are doing RIGHT more often than what they are doing wrong. Most of the time, we parents find it easier to see the wrongs over the rights. However, research has shown that human beings respond well to positive reinforcement much better than negative. So if you have to be creative to find something right, then do so. If a child sits quietly for only five seconds, say "I liked how you sat quietly just then."

Listen without judgment when they share their feelings. One of the most important needs humans of all ages have is to be acknowledged and understood. Parents have a powerful influence on their child's self-esteem based on their ability to show unconditional acceptance. A great way to do that is to take the child's feelings seriously and respond with confidence in their ability to handle the situation or to guide them through their own solution.

Be patient and understanding when they struggle, yet firm with the established rules. This helps the child feel more secure because you are acting as a responsible adult. As much as they say they want you to bend the rules, they will really feel like you can't handle their challenges, making them feel alone in their struggles. Instead, remind them of their strengths and allow them to figure it out knowing that you are right there to support if needed.

Self Awareness and Teens

2008-09-22T12:34:00.000-07:00

The more we know about ourselves, both good and bad, the more comfortable we feel. This is because the unknown almost always makes us feel nervous. One of the important tasks for an adolescent to learn is self-awareness. Of course, this also applies to all ages. But specifically, the adolescent years are designed to help young people figure out who they are becoming.

By the time a teen graduates from high school, they should have a basic understanding of how they behave in various situations. Such as who they connect with, what they believe in, what values they have, what they feel indifferent about, what passions they have, what motivates them, what they avoid, what challenges them, if they even like to be challenged, what relationships mean to them and so on.

The teen years appear chaotic to some adults because the teens are often orienting themselves to answer these questions...even if they are not consciously doing it. It is almost like trying to pick out your "perfect horse" in a field of 10,000 horses.

So, the good news is, that the purple hair probably is just a phase, or a way of sampling the world. In general, the more these young people practice learning about themselves, the more they will know how to move forward in a direction they want to go. They will be more likely to be confident adults and comfortable with how to approach the world. These are the kind of adults we want to have our children grow up to be.

By the way, the sampling of the world continues into adulthood. The more we are able to look at ourselves, the more proficient we get at orienting. So, it is never too late!

Anxiety in Children

2008-09-02T07:33:00.000-07:00

Anxiety in children tends to look different than in adults. Children will behave with resistance, which appears like disobedience, when they are feeling overwhelmed and powerless. As adults, it is important to remember that whenever a child appears defiant, they are actually telling us through their behaviors that they don't know how to deal with their emotions.

Sometimes, we don't have the best responses, especially when we are frustrated or even angry at them. But a more effective way to handle a difficult situation is to help them practice calming down and then addressing the real cause to their anxiety. This process is not easy, but necessary if we are to teach our children how to best handle their emotions and carry those skills to adulthood.

Remember that children usually don't know how to appropriately express their needs, so it is up to parents (and other adults in their lives) to figure out what the child is saying through their behaviors. Parents will find it easier to deal with a defiant child when they view the behavior as a signal for help instead of a personal offense.

A great way to prepare for such occassions is to practice when the child is already calm and willing to learn. This will allow everyone involved to feel more in control of their own behaviors; a goal we all want to meet!